Doing Heart Work
Three years is a long time when you're in grade three. When you're having trouble getting along with someone, one day is a very long time. Put it all together, and you have a very big problem.
These girls said they had been bullied by each other since grade one and now had enough. They were getting tired of it all. As their teacher, I was tired of being in the middle and was hoping for lasting change. Maybe they'd be willing to do the hard work of forgiving.
Although I didn't always hear the words, I could see the body language; the rolling of the eyes, the turning of the head or the glaring of the eyes. Parents and teachers alike had tried to get these girls to stop but nothing would last. Specific conflicts had been resolved and apologized for, but within days, they were back at it again. When would it end?
I had a mental picture of two grandmothers walking in the mall, turning away when they saw the other, trying not to make eye contact so they wouldn't have to speak. The bitter root in their hearts would have so much root that just seeing the other would resurrect the emotions and hurts.
As we talked, the one girl grabbed a whiteboard and with a marker drew a heart shape filled to the top with liquid. "My heart's filled right to the top with poison."
I moved the board over to the other girl, asking her what her heart looked like. She drew little pieces, saying, "My heart is broken in pieces."
This brought tears to my eyes as I realized that for the first time, they were visualizing the hurt, suddenly seeing the other in a new light. I shared my dismay and talked about how I couldn't fix their hearts. After describing the process THEY would need to do, both agreed and apologies were made.
We had gone this way before. What would make this time different? I suddenly realized that these girls didn't have replacement words for "loser" and "failure". So with a whiteboard in hand, each girl took time to write down sentences and phrases they would like to hear; words that would be juicy fruit instead of poison.
After practicing saying these new words and talking about how these words could begin to heal hurting hearts, I told the girls they had one more job to do. Because no one is perfect, they had to prepare a sentence to say when the other forgot; not IF but WHEN they forgot. They would need a way to let their friend know something was not appreciated and needed to change.
This seemed to be the most important step, since the girls asked to copy their sentences down to take home. Later, when telling the principal about their decisions, these turn-around sentences were the ones they remembered and wanted to share.
I can only hope that the heart work done will bring healing to these two young girls. It needs to be enough to repair three year's worth of pain. Yesterday, when I asked the one girl how her heart was doing, she gave me a big smile and said, "Good. Real good."
What was the catalyst for this change? The wise words of Solomon from Proverbs 18:21 "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit - you choose."...... words I had posted on the classroom wall weeks months before as I tired of mediating daily conflict. Maybe the eight year olds can lead the way for the rest of us when we seem to get stuck in broken relationships.
These girls said they had been bullied by each other since grade one and now had enough. They were getting tired of it all. As their teacher, I was tired of being in the middle and was hoping for lasting change. Maybe they'd be willing to do the hard work of forgiving.
Although I didn't always hear the words, I could see the body language; the rolling of the eyes, the turning of the head or the glaring of the eyes. Parents and teachers alike had tried to get these girls to stop but nothing would last. Specific conflicts had been resolved and apologized for, but within days, they were back at it again. When would it end?
I had a mental picture of two grandmothers walking in the mall, turning away when they saw the other, trying not to make eye contact so they wouldn't have to speak. The bitter root in their hearts would have so much root that just seeing the other would resurrect the emotions and hurts.
As we talked, the one girl grabbed a whiteboard and with a marker drew a heart shape filled to the top with liquid. "My heart's filled right to the top with poison."
I moved the board over to the other girl, asking her what her heart looked like. She drew little pieces, saying, "My heart is broken in pieces."
This brought tears to my eyes as I realized that for the first time, they were visualizing the hurt, suddenly seeing the other in a new light. I shared my dismay and talked about how I couldn't fix their hearts. After describing the process THEY would need to do, both agreed and apologies were made.
We had gone this way before. What would make this time different? I suddenly realized that these girls didn't have replacement words for "loser" and "failure". So with a whiteboard in hand, each girl took time to write down sentences and phrases they would like to hear; words that would be juicy fruit instead of poison.
After practicing saying these new words and talking about how these words could begin to heal hurting hearts, I told the girls they had one more job to do. Because no one is perfect, they had to prepare a sentence to say when the other forgot; not IF but WHEN they forgot. They would need a way to let their friend know something was not appreciated and needed to change.
This seemed to be the most important step, since the girls asked to copy their sentences down to take home. Later, when telling the principal about their decisions, these turn-around sentences were the ones they remembered and wanted to share.
I can only hope that the heart work done will bring healing to these two young girls. It needs to be enough to repair three year's worth of pain. Yesterday, when I asked the one girl how her heart was doing, she gave me a big smile and said, "Good. Real good."
What was the catalyst for this change? The wise words of Solomon from Proverbs 18:21 "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit - you choose."...... words I had posted on the classroom wall weeks months before as I tired of mediating daily conflict. Maybe the eight year olds can lead the way for the rest of us when we seem to get stuck in broken relationships.
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