Hooded Heaviness

The hooded cloak fully covers my body
It is leaded and oppressive, causing shallow breathing
The layers of grief are already thick, and now more?
How can I bear more weight and still do life?

Responsibilities weigh heavily with this unexpected sickness
Someone has to step in to be caregiver
By virtue of birth order and proximity I know that I'm the one
How can I function with such limited strength and energy?

Step by step, moment by moment I can only breathe
I take the needs of each day and choose what must be done
Prayer becomes a continual bantering of wonderings and listenings
Gratitude for small things become the steady heartbeat keeping me alive

Still the weight remains as weeks stretch to months
This race is becoming a marathon, the end out of view
I'm only still in the running because of the support from others
The love in action of friends, giving gifts of time and self-sacrifice

In a quiet moment I suddenly hear a whisper, a suggestion from Jesus in my ear
"Why don't you invite me to crawl under that heavy cloak WITH you?"
Wondering what difference that would make, I lift up a small corner
I'm willing for more of him.....  My need exceeds all resources

His broad shoulders easily take on the bulk of the weight
As I simply curl up on his lap, his head fills up the hood
Feeling safe and loved, I am as a contented child with a protective parent
I only need to rest and wait for what's next

His hands continue to put things into place, small things with big implications
Joy floods in around my grief wounds.  He's got the big picture in his sight
I am free to do self care, to nurture my still hurting heart
I only need to stay in his love, without struggle for control

He's not only got the whole world in his hands,
He's got me in his lap, resting, trusting, finding joy in my sorrow
As Creator and King, his shoulders are broad enough for the heaviest of griefs
I will only be alone if I choose to jump out of this lap of love











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