I FORGOT!
It was the Sunday morning of the time change, when Daylight Savings disrupts our clocks and we gain an extra hour. I was enjoying the extra time for me, leisurely eating breakfast while my family slept. I was also enjoying time reading as I sipped my coffee. My family slept to the latest possible moment while I enjoyed the quiet. This was better than having to leave early for Worship team practice. I knew this was my Sunday off.
With five minutes left before leaving, my husband was eating breakfast. He asked why I didn't leave earlier and I confidently told him I didn't have to this Sunday. He persisted in his questioning because he knew I had been out every night that week. It suddenly dawned on me that I HAD been at a Wednesday practice. How could I forget?
Even if I left immediately, I would only arrive a few minutes ahead of my family. The practice would just be ending anyway. All I could think of was how I had let people down. I couldn't believe I could be so stupid. Why didn't I check the calendar? Then I would have seen it written down and remembered.
I heard myself voicing some of these thoughts and realized how I was heaping shame on myself. I couldn't seem to turn it off, even though I knew someone was probably taking my place at the piano. Things would go on without me. The weight of my failure grew heavier as I continued to beat myself up with my thoughts. That's when God showed up.
Only moments before during breakfast, I had started to read from Psalm 25, not being able to get past the first three verses. The word shame had jumped off the page as I reflected on the meaning of the text. Now as I sat in the car, I opened the pages of my Bible to read, "No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame." God still loved me and knew what truth I needed to replace the negativity in my self talk.
As I forgave myself, I knew that God still loved me. In spite of my failure, I did not deserve to feel so weighted down. As I released my pain to God, I felt his love surround me. By the time we arrived, the team was dispersing. They were glad I was okay and extended grace and forgiveness immediately. I was now free to truly enjoy the singing and worship with a full heart.
With five minutes left before leaving, my husband was eating breakfast. He asked why I didn't leave earlier and I confidently told him I didn't have to this Sunday. He persisted in his questioning because he knew I had been out every night that week. It suddenly dawned on me that I HAD been at a Wednesday practice. How could I forget?
Even if I left immediately, I would only arrive a few minutes ahead of my family. The practice would just be ending anyway. All I could think of was how I had let people down. I couldn't believe I could be so stupid. Why didn't I check the calendar? Then I would have seen it written down and remembered.
I heard myself voicing some of these thoughts and realized how I was heaping shame on myself. I couldn't seem to turn it off, even though I knew someone was probably taking my place at the piano. Things would go on without me. The weight of my failure grew heavier as I continued to beat myself up with my thoughts. That's when God showed up.
Only moments before during breakfast, I had started to read from Psalm 25, not being able to get past the first three verses. The word shame had jumped off the page as I reflected on the meaning of the text. Now as I sat in the car, I opened the pages of my Bible to read, "No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame." God still loved me and knew what truth I needed to replace the negativity in my self talk.
As I forgave myself, I knew that God still loved me. In spite of my failure, I did not deserve to feel so weighted down. As I released my pain to God, I felt his love surround me. By the time we arrived, the team was dispersing. They were glad I was okay and extended grace and forgiveness immediately. I was now free to truly enjoy the singing and worship with a full heart.
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