A Fellow Traveller

Mom was moved to a lovely palliative care room right beside the elevator.  The nurses wondered if there was some confusion....the angry words.....confusion about time.....saying that her mind was swirling. We hoped for a better day to come. Yesterday I spent the afternoon, listening to stories, to dreams, to the ideas swirling in her head,  feeling privileged  to jot down some of her words. We started telling this story to visitors stopping by. She was angry about the move, how the flowers were left behind on the window sill, how her things were not in the same place, how she couldn't reach the call bell.  She took it out on the nurses, even though they were taking care of details as fast as they could.  Most of her time that day, she said, was spent working on words for the hospital CEO.  She wanted to give him a piece of her mind, venting about how things were being run around the place. In her minds eye, he was sitting in HER office; she in a bi...

Waiting, we sit and wait. Watching for a way to show our love. I look for how to serve and meet a need, when to give a sip of water, a spoonful of food, to move the flowers, adjust the pillows, to read a note, share a conversation. She waits to say "I love you" to those nearest and dearest. Watching for a way to show our love. Waiting, we sit and wait. Listening for what is coming next, for the meal cart the doctor to visit, a nurse to wash up I listen for a request, a memory, a reflection, a familiar voice. Listening for what is coming next. Waiting, we sit and wait, Listening to peaceful music, hearing words of comfort and assurance from hymns and carols, tuning in to the underlying promises of Presence, Listening to peaceful music. Waiting, we sit and wait, Breathing and praying, Praying and breathing. Out with the carbon dioxide, in with the precious oxygen Out with the old, in with the new Out with resistance, in with acceptance Out with...

East Main Tunnel under Welland Canal Admiring the beauty in the sky above, I captured this scene on my phone Thanksgiving weekend.  I was drawn to the blueness of the sky trying to peek through the fluffy clouds.  Though the clouds threatened rain, the sun still shone through and I felt at peace. We entered the tunnel and soon emerged to continue our journey.  I had no thought at the time of the weight from the waters overhead, of how impossible it would be to pass through on my own.  The tunnel in it's stable construction did its job and I gave it no second thought. Last Sunday though, we each entered our own tunnel and are still living in it's shadow. The sudden darkness of grieving has begun, as I realize the implications of  the disease pulmonary fibrosis.  With such gradual change in Mom's lungs since her diagnosis over six years ago, I've glossed over the final stage. I have to stop pretending. There's no turning away now. Death is inevitab...

Early this Sunday morning the phone rang at 3:30 a.m.  My sister heard phrases like ".....hospital calling,  doing rounds to Room 204.....saw she was not breathing....did CPR but unsuccessful....she is deceased......calling you as next of kin....." As she phoned me, we quickly divided who was calling who. I woke my girls and we cried together.  I called my other children as my husband drove through the darkness, leaving messages when I couldn't get through. It seemed surreal as I looked up at the clouds swirling around the moon. Amid my tears I could only feel peace that Mom was now free from her suffering.  I remembered the joys of the day before....of reconciliation and peacemaking with her grand daughters....of my Mom seeing her great grandchildren for the very first time.  Within the hour, I was the first of my siblings to be walking down the hall to the nurses station. They were shocked to hear why we were there. "What???  She is sleeping well. ...

Step by step, moment by moment, I will slow down to listen, to be loved. Step by step, moment by moment, I will take time to breathe, to rest in that love. You are Powerful and Great, a Rock for the weak I will cling for support, strength and security You are Gracious and Compassionate towards all you have made I will love myself, listening to feelings and needs You are Slow to Anger, Rich in love I will wait to respond rather than react You are Good to all your creation I will choose to see the good in everyone You are Trustworthy and Faithful to all promises made I will speak words of truth and integrity You are a bountiful Provider to those who look to you I will trust you to perfectly provide, creatively putting the pieces together You Open your hands and Satisfy desires I will hold people and things loosely as gifts from you You are Near to all who call out for rescue I will ask with boldness and confidence Step by step, ...